Before I was married, I dreamed about what my family would be like. How many kids would I have, what would they look like, where would we live, etc.
After 3 boys, I was still waiting to have a daughter.
Im not sure why it mattered so much in my head. The prospect at sharing my love for music, dance, singing, piano, and other things of the dominantly female brain, were things I wanted to share with a child.
Inside, I knew that odds were not good for a girl. The cards just
didnt seem to be in my favor. Still, I hoped.
I prepared myself for another boy.This is our last I thought,thinking that maybe that would change the outcome. I thought it would be news that would be more appreciated on the day of arrival than 4 months in advance. I wanted to wait and not find out the gender. Mike however, does not like to wait. He was determined to know. Today was the day. And as expected, we are having another boy.
To be honest, I had the same reaction with Asher. I was fine on the outside, but struggled to keep in the tears. Disappointment ruined my day.
Sure, I know I should be grateful for a healthy baby. Which I am.
I should be grateful to have any kids at all. Which I am.
I should have told Mike suck it up and deal with waiting, so I
wouldnt be mad at him for demanding to know. Which I am.
I knew the odds favored a male. They did.
I
should not have put all my hopes into this last baby to be a female. Unfortunately, I did.
I should be happy I got to see my baby on the screen. I am not. I wished I had waited.
I just feel like I have nothing to give boys. Sure, I can be a good mother. I just
dont feel like I can share who I am with them very well. Guys just
dont get that
girly stuff. The dream of dance lessons and dresses, pony tails and wedding gowns, barbies and boyfriends....its gone.
I would be lying if I said I
wasnt writing this with tears streaming.
Tomorrow will be better.
Another boy will be loved just as much. But today, just for today,
Im sad.