Before I was married, I dreamed about what my family would be like. How many kids would I have, what would they look like, where would we live, etc.
After 3 boys, I was still waiting to have a daughter. Im not sure why it mattered so much in my head. The prospect at sharing my love for music, dance, singing, piano, and other things of the dominantly female brain, were things I wanted to share with a child.
Inside, I knew that odds were not good for a girl. The cards just didnt seem to be in my favor. Still, I hoped.
I prepared myself for another boy.This is our last I thought,thinking that maybe that would change the outcome. I thought it would be news that would be more appreciated on the day of arrival than 4 months in advance. I wanted to wait and not find out the gender. Mike however, does not like to wait. He was determined to know. Today was the day. And as expected, we are having another boy.
To be honest, I had the same reaction with Asher. I was fine on the outside, but struggled to keep in the tears. Disappointment ruined my day.
Sure, I know I should be grateful for a healthy baby. Which I am.
I should be grateful to have any kids at all. Which I am.
I should have told Mike suck it up and deal with waiting, so I wouldnt be mad at him for demanding to know. Which I am.
I knew the odds favored a male. They did.
I should not have put all my hopes into this last baby to be a female. Unfortunately, I did.
I should be happy I got to see my baby on the screen. I am not. I wished I had waited.
I just feel like I have nothing to give boys. Sure, I can be a good mother. I just dont feel like I can share who I am with them very well. Guys just dont get that girly stuff. The dream of dance lessons and dresses, pony tails and wedding gowns, barbies and boyfriends....its gone.
I would be lying if I said I wasnt writing this with tears streaming. Tomorrow will be better.
Another boy will be loved just as much. But today, just for today, Im sad.
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About Me
- eden&mike
- I am the happy mother of 4 sons. My husband is a neurophysiologist and I am a stay at home mom and Zumba instructor. Life is great and we love to share our fun adventures with our family and friends, near and far. After a few years on the east coast, we have returned to the west for a new adventure. Every place we go, we meet wonderful people. We find that even though locations may not always be perfect, as long as we are together, we are at home.
Wise Words from a Wonderful Prophet
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."Evening with a General Authority, September 1980President Gordon B. Hinkley
"You will have significant experinces. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experinces." -Gordon B. Hinckley
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8 comments:
I am sure you will get comments like....boys are awesome, it takes a special mom to be a mother of all boys, it is great as long the baby is healthy....and on and on. BUT GUESS WHAT....you are so very allowed to be sad, mad, disappointed, etc. You are entitled to every one of those feelings! So please feel them and don't let anyone tell you different! Love to you!! Shirley
It's a crazy thing isn't it! All you want is a baby and you know you should just be greatful for a child at all, but still, you have a dream and it is hard to let go.
I just have to tell you. I didn't find out with my Asher for the same reason, and it was actually worse, because you go through the same feelings, only the little person is HERE and so the shame is almost unbearable. This way you will mourn, and you have every right to. You lost your baby girl that you have been dreaming of for so long. And then you can move on. I made some big leaps towards exceptance when I found some super cute boys shoes. I dong' know it was something little like that. And you know from those three boys you have in your life right now, that this little one will be such an amazing blessing in your life. But I don't really have to tell you any of this. Really I should just say CONGRATULATION! and leave it at that. But I understand the tears, I really do.
I am so sorry!!! I know coming from me it's not very helpful because I have a girl, but I totally understand how you feel. I love your boys, but I would be every bit as sad/devestated!!
LOVE YOU!!
Bridget
Hey E! I am so sorry for your disappointment. Having recently felt the sadness of losing a child, I totally understand the emotions. Hang in there and remember you have nieces who need their aunty's talents because their mommas just don't have 'em! I pray that someday we can live close enough that you can teach Makani to sing, dance, and be as beautiful as you! Hope to talk soon.
LOVE YOU!
Maleah
I mourn with you. You have every right to be sad. But you really have so much to give those boys...and someday there will be daughters in law who will love you for what you have given those boys.
I don't say this to make you feel better necessarily because I totally understand your desire to have a girl. But you have been entrusted to raise up 4 boys who very well may be part of the new "armies of Helaman." And that is pretty remarkable. That shows faith, patience, and extreme love in you and Mike. Between my brothers and me, there are 8 boys and only 1 girl. Something must be in the works. But don't feel bad about feeling sad. I would do the same thing.
Maybe we can do a trade.
Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. Nothing I could write could make you feel better. Sometimes its ok to me mad and sad.
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