EL FIN

Could be that all these emotions are the product of horomones. Normally, Im a very optimistic person. Lately, I cant seem to find anything to smile about.- But there is more than just one reason for mymood swings.

Turns out God wanted me to have something positive in all the change and hardship.

Baby Number 4 is on the way. Yup, thats right, we are preggo!

How someone who is told they will never have children without medical intervention conceives on their own is amazing. We were surprised, but glad.

This is the last baby for us. We arent even praying for a girl. Just for a sweet baby to join our family healthy and uneventful.

YIPPEE!

Baby is due February 2011.

Mesa

Well, here we are sitting in Mesa, Arizona. Why?...well I ask myself this question daily.
As fortune would have it, we had to rent something instead of buying. The market had too many buyers and not enough properties. Its disappointing, but not much we could do. So, we stepped out of the market for now. Winter should prove to have more inventory.
So, in the meantime, we are an hour commute from Mikes work, and living in the third ring of hell, in my opinion. Its hot, there is nothing to do
(we have no pool, yuck), and there is nothing green for miles.
Am I happy here? Um, no.
Am I impressed? Absolutely not.
Why people live in the desert is beyond me. Im ready to move again.
If Im being honest, I think most of my disappointment is self induced. I think I thought there were so many better things in the west than the east. The grass seemed greener.
The reality is that things aren't. I feel a little cheated out of the beauty and experiences of the east coast. Now, I feel like Im back in the west, and everything is less than perceived.
The schools are worse, the housing market is just as bad just in a different way. The people are the same, just speak more Spanish. The weather is awful and there will be no snow to change it up....yup, just realizing more negatives than positives.-
Im hoping that silver lining is hiding until my attitude changes. Im praying I will find some normalcy and happiness here. For now, Im just sweating to death and miserable.

The past few weeks have been more than stressful for me. I have broken down many times in tears. I never thought this move would be difficult. This situation has ripped the reigns from my hands more than once along the way and takes me for a ride I had not intended.

We just found out our back up plan is gone. So, with 1 week until we need to move and the first day of school looming on Aug 9th, Im panicking.

The thought of my children being homeless or living in a van down by the river, is more than depressing. I feel like Im spinning in all directions with no where to go.

Im trying to hang on as we once again scramble for somewhere to live.

I went to a stake fireside to hear Jenny Oaks Baker play her violin. It was magnificent and powerful. I have thought of it many times these past few days. I have thought of the song that moved me to uncontrollable tears. "Be still , my soul".

I have always enjoyed the song, but never felt its power until that night.I was reading the words along to the sweet melody she played and instantly felt power in the first lines.

"Be still, my soul: the lord is on thy side;

with patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God, to order and provided;

in ev'ry change he faithful will remain."

I dont know if I am fully utilizing the message. I do have faith, but sometimes its hard to bear thy cross patiently.

Granted, this is trivial compared to many trials. Im just feeling so unsure about what to do and where to go.

"Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last"